When Dolly Parton died on August 25, the response was immediate and enormous. Within days, Google searches for her name had surged dramatically; 8 days after her death, “Dolly Parton” was still the top trending Google search, with search interest reportedly up 9,900%. Online, fans shared memories, tributes, photographs, favorite songs and stories about what Dolly had meant to them. Even a post published to her social media accounts after her death quickly filled with comments from grieving fans.
Most of those people never met Dolly Parton, much less knew her personally. Their grief, however, was still very real.
What is parasocial grief?
A parasocial relationship is a one-sided relationship with a public or media figure, someone who does not personally know us, but who may nevertheless become meaningful in our lives. Research suggests these relationships can provide some of the same benefits as social relationships, including comfort, connection, improved mood, and a sense of identification.
When that person dies, the resulting parasocial grief may include profound sadness, crying, emptiness, disbelief and even disruptions in eating, sleeping, working or other daily activities. For some, the loss can also feel tied to identity: a musician may represent adolescence, an actor may represent a beloved childhood character, or a public figure may represent values that helped someone understand who they wanted to be. And parasocial grief comes with a unique complication: The mourner may feel embarrassed that they’re grieving at all, and the people around them may reinforce that belief.
“But you didn’t even know them.”
“Grief policing” – judging who is allowed to grieve, how deeply, and for how long – can happen with any loss, but parasocial grief may be especially vulnerable to a particular form of it: questioning whether the mourner has any legitimate claim to grief in the first place. A client might already be asking themselves, “Why am I this upset about someone I never met? Is this ridiculous? What will my therapist think of me?” A dismissive response from another person can then reinforce the client’s own uncertainty, pushing them to grieve in private.
Social media has added another dimension by giving fans unprecedented opportunities to grieve together. After David Bowie’s death, for example, more than 4.3 million tweets appeared under #RIPDavidBowie, reaching 20,000 tweets per minute. While that can be a very positive outlet, those same platforms can expose grieving fans to public ridicule and criticism. The internet can simultaneously provide a community that validates the loss and an audience ready to tell someone that their grief is inappropriate.
Making room for the grief
For helping professionals, one of the most important interventions may also be one of the simplest: Take the loss seriously. Rather than focusing on whether a client personally knew the deceased, explore what that person represented. What memories are attached to their music, performances, or work? What needs did the relationship meet? What feels different now that they’re gone?
Many of the same approaches used with other forms of grief can be adapted for parasocial loss. One is psychologist J. William Worden’s Four Tasks of Mourning, a flexible framework that views grieving as an active, individual process rather than a predictable series of stages. The tasks involve:
- accepting the reality of the loss,
- processing the pain of grief,
- adjusting to a world without the person who died, and
- finding an enduring way to remember that person while continuing with life.
That last task can be especially meaningful in parasocial grief. A client does not have to stop listening to a beloved musician, watching an actor’s films or feeling connected to what a public figure represented in order to “move on.” Those activities can instead become part of an ongoing connection to the person’s influence.
None of this requires deciding whether a client “should” be grieving this much. The relationship may have been one-sided, but the comfort, identity, memories and meaning attached to it were not imaginary. When helping professionals recognize that distinction, clients don’t have to defend their right to grieve before they can begin processing the grief itself.